Simple Rules For Dating Yi

                              Pan Ding’s Simple Rule’s For Dating Yi

1) You will in no way hurt her.

2) If you stand her up for a date, I will find you. If on the first offence it is for good reason, you will be off with a warning. On the second offence, I will remove three teeth. Slowly. Painfully.

If on the first offence it is for not a good reason- You decided instead to fool around with other companions, simply forgot, are in fact cheating on her, or any other reason I think of based on both my particular mood and opinion of you-you will die.

3) Consider her parentage and background: Her father is the Great Spirit of Judgment. Her mother Yangchen is a former Avatar, and can thus convince the current incarnation to hunt you down like a cat-dog and kick your butt for trumped up reasons.

4) She is also good friends with all of Yue and La’s, Hire and Agni’s, and Da Di and Feng’s children. They and their parents would do whatever they deem necessary to avenge her emotional wellbeing and/or honor. That last one is especially true of Angi and his sons Ran and Shao.

5) Your will in no way hurt her.

6) Remember this: you are nothing more than a mere amoeba in a vast ocean. I reiterate: you are nothing more than a fleshy bag holding an insignificant spiritual thing waiting for the day that I decide to rip it open and decide your residence of eternal rest, merely a wispy mist, a fog that is here for an hour or so and then fades away to nothingness.

I am a god.

7) No means no. She may not look like it, but she can kick a rock into the sun without any effort or bending at all. Imagine that force going to your genitals.

8) Touching will in no way exceed the purely accidental brush of hands in the first five dates unless Yi initiates them. You will not take them further until the tenth date. If I believe that these accidents look to much like accidents, you will lose your hands. On a good day. On a bad day you will die.

9) Do not question the math on the numbered date on which you may begin escalating touching, and the numbered date on which you may not fear for your live if you touch my daughter.

10) I am the immortal successor to He Ping the Death Spirit. I am the Avenging Hound from Hell that stalks the earth. I am the prickly feeling you get on the back of your neck, I am the shape in the shadows, I am the face in your window. My eyes are everywhere.

11) In the event that the two of you have scheduled a date while I am otherwise too preoccupied with my occupation of slaughtering evil doers like some eldritch abomination from a horror story-for it was I that inspired those tales-please keep in mind that you are being watched by others who would gladly come to my daughter’s defense when you are in public places, but even if you are not, you are being stalked by either of Da Di, Feng, any one of their baker’s dozen plus of children, Agni, Hire at least four of their six children, and even Koh, the Facestealer. I have discussed this with each and every one of them in grave detail, with sufficient compensations/bribes agreed on and in place. Do not attempt to subvert this contract. We will know. And we will be greatly displeased.

12) No means no. In Yi’s case, no means Death. It could be a quick ‘lights out’ demise, or it can be slow and agonizingly painful. I have taught her all there is to know about the mortal body. She can kill you twenty-five different ways before you hit the ground without spilling a drop of blood. She has been with me on numerous slaughtering since she has been old enough to walk, she is therefore desensitized to gore. After she kills you, your immortal soul is mine.

13) I was not bluffing about Koh. Reverse Psychology is a beautiful thing. Plus, he get your face, regardless of your amount of expressions.

14) If you in any way take advantage of Yi and/or force yourself upon her, I will obliterate you. And your family. And your house. And your street. And your block. And your hamlet/village/city. In fact, anything within twelve-thousand miles of you will be reduced to nothing more than a vast, ugly black scar on the face of the planet. I have already mentioned this to the other Great Spirits. And they are fine with it.

15) You will avoid any and/or all isolated/enclosed spaces such as broom closets. If you are in a room alone together, a door will be kept open. In fact, stay out of restaurants, and carriages, and trains, and Opera and/or Playhouse Booths, and the dressing room section of the clothing store. In fact, stay the devil away from any place anybody might even remotely have sex in. I will know.

16) You may not harm/threaten/maim/kill any crush/infatuation/ex-boyfriends or “Just Friends” of Yi. I was refused the pleasure of killing Genghis, so shall it be with you.

17) You will in no way hurt her.

18) I hold the powers in each of all four of the elements the likes of which not even the Avatar in the Avatar State can match, as well as control over all Jackal-Hyenas, flesh-eating beetles and the gateway to a pocket dimension where pleasure is torture and torture is pleasure, where one’s body will be mutilated beyond any recognition of not only your identity, but of your species, and yet you would still not die, for all eternity. It was with the former abilities that I led to the decapitation of the Earth Empire some thirty-thousand years ago. It was with that last one that I removed all of the Sword of Feng warrior monk militia when they tried to start an international war. These were with peoples and situations that I had little real stake in. You are courting my daughter.

19) If you feel that these rules are in any way to tough, totalitarian, or unfair, you may discuss them with me in private. I shall then make mockery of you and taunt you about it for all eternity. Or you can do yourself a favor and remove yourself from the equation.

20) If you do the above in any manner that makes Yi cry, you will die.

21) Be afraid. Trillions have died by my hands over the millennia for lesser offences that were not even my own. Remember: I am The Ripper, I am Death’s Successor, I am the Great Judge, I am the highest authority. I never sleep, for when I do I have constant nightmares, horrible Hundred-Year War flashback-like dreams of Happy couples and Child Rape-Murders alike.

22)  You will in no way hurt her. Your genitals will thank you.